Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Emotional Man

aiyo, i am such an emotional man... but i really am. what u wanna say i am sisy ?? come challenge me something lar (like tennis and etc..) anyway, my good friend Ian Kwok is always the better sports man.

but yeah, i weep when watching great movies even Braveheart, Titanic and etc..

recently has been roller-coster for the emotional part of my life. Before I tell u some stories, let me give you some appetizer.

I became a buddhist - believer (something like Neo in Matrix... ) around more than two years ago, it happened after I was terribly illed, so ill that it changed my life forever. Modern medical never diagnosed anything, but every damn day I was in pain.. and I had to go to college to finish off my degree. Those were hell days, I assumed I was going to die. When you had such feeling, u started thinking seriously. Self-help buddhism help me through such hell time, where I eventually converted to vegetarian and make a vow to stay tat way for my whole life.

It is irony to believe such reality which my mother predicted long time ago(through fortune telling); according to her, I am destined to be a buddhist. I was a non-believer until then.

So buddhism taught me great things and I was rejuvenated - resurrected.

One of the lesson is 'nothing last forever, everything will have an end to it, we must let it be, let it be...'

So I did learnt this properly.. and started to evaluate people's perception towards love. I laughed at couple quarelling at each other, or guys or gals who committed suicided over love.

Not until recently, a friend of mine ( a lady in her fifties) suffered widowed. Her husband died unexpectedly and she was terribly saddened. Initially I couldn't understand it, coz sticking to the teaching implanted in me; that 'nothing last forever, everything will have an end to it', I assumed that she would 'let it be' as they been married for many years. One day, as I visited her, she said something which touched me profoundly.

"Losing your life partner is a completely different feeling from losing your parents and even your own children.." I know what she meant, she was saddened tremendously, I wouldn't expect this as she is always been a very spiritual person. I reserved my comments, even though I was expecting her to take things easy.

Not until recently, I finally experienced the same awkwardness.

I admired a girl I met at business seminar, she is very pretty and independent type. Chinese educated with some passion for public relation. As I was single and available then, I decided to give it a try. I work on some strategies and hope for the best. Day by day, my feeling for her grows .. me without realizing it, I was attached to it.

Until suddenly, my time was running out, she was leaving for oversea to pursue her career and I couldn't just catch up with that. I was like having one month left to confess or not...or Hell .. this is disaster man!

but the verdict is she left without me confessing ..

OK, hold your horses boy... I am not saying she likes me or that she doesn't have boyfriend.. (which i dont really know..., I dont even know her birthday) But I just couldn't understand that I am not 'let it be' too.. I kept telling myself "c'mon, she dont like u lar, she hates u, no hope lar.." But deep down, I am still holding to it.. (Sorry to those gay people, I am straight)

my message is that it is not that easy sometimes.. if I was a disciple during buddha's time, he would look at me and said 'oh brandon, practice hard ...practice hard...' I definitely failed the test and it made me understood the fact that loving someone is really not easy and u dont just say "forget it babe".

For my case, I dont know which best way to do, either to tell her and risks all or just to let it go and move on.. It is so hard to decide coz the feeling is so really attached. I just dont want to risk this attachment which is solely mine and no one else.

so, many of my peers had been married (recently) and will be marrying soon, I have high expectations on them. Deep down my heart, I wished the very best for them. If the whole world would experience what I am experiencing, there wouldn't be any quarrel between couples, because u should really appreciate it. So when u guys are quarreling with your spouses or partners.. just think of me.

what lar.. dont tell me u weep on this.. this is just a normal bachelor story lar..

or ya, another discovery.. when u love someone u wouldn't opt for pornography.. u would say 'argg.. come one...that is too disgusting..' keke.. dont laugh lar. So if you go for pornography it means u have empty feeling lar.. in case u are addicted to pornography, go get real love lar...

anyway ..

Time heals all wounds, buddhism lives on.

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